How To Remember That Other People's Choices Are Not About You
I've been thinking a lot lately about how upset everyone gets about the choices that other people make. Mostly it's been on my mind because of Amendment One which was passed in North Carolina recently, banning gay marriage (but unfortunately also affected unmarried heterosexual couples and their children as well), and President Obama's recent announcement endorsing gay marriage. A lot of people are really upset about this. I frequently hear people claiming that by endorsing gay marriage, you're allowing people to marriage their goats and their lamps and all sorts of things. I understand that these people want to marry someone of the opposite sex only. I even understand that these people don't want anyone else to marry someone of the same sex. However, I'm not sure how getting all riled up about it and spouting rude comments about other people's choices is going to make anything better. It's just going to hurt the feelings/psyche/lives of people who want to marry someone of the same sex (best case scenario, the person you're insulting gets a terrible complex), and in all actuality, the way that another person lives their life is not going to affect your choices. Anyone that is pro-heterosexual marriages is still allowed to marry a heterosexual person of his or her choosing. Letting other people make their own choice is not going to harm your decisions, or threaten the way you live your life or even what you believe in. Please, keep believing in whatever you want; but afford someone else that same right.
The reason I've been thinking about this a lot lately is because this same principal exists on a smaller level. I understand that people mean well when they come up to me on the street and declare that Jesus loves me and I really must go to their church if I don't want to burn for all eternity in Hell, but to me, that kind of behavior is not only annoying, but also inappropriate. Frankly, it's going to make me less likely to go to your church. It's also discrediting anything that I believe in currently. Like, nope, whatever you're doing is wrong; my way is right. I also know that people who ask when someone is getting married or when someone is having another baby or people who explain to everyone they meet how you absolutely must have a baby asap for health reasons are only trying to help. I know that this person only thinks that marriage is great and wants everyone to experience it, or that parenting is so important or that only children are crazy spoiled. They believe that these choices are the right choices to make, and that if you make them too, their lives and choices will be validated. I mean if everyone in the world is making this same choice, it's got to be the right one! It's hard not to remember that the decisions another person makes for his or her life are not a reflection on our decisions as well.
I am not excluded from this issue, of course. It really bothers me when one of my peers gets married and changes her last name to her husband's. To me, it feels like she's giving up her identity to take on his. She's a part of his family now; her last name just goes away because it doesn't matter anymore. That part of her is gone now and no one will ever know her by that name again. Now you will take on a different name and belong to a different family. I won't change my last name. I'll always be an Earl. And that's fine. I don't have to do that; no one is going to make me. But I shouldn't be bothered when other people do. It's not my decision, and really, what does it matter to me? I can still not change my last name. It's their last name; if they really want to change it to Swashbuckle, that's their choice. (I don't actually know anyone named Swashbuckle, but it would be hilarious if I did.) It also bothers me when people get married at very young ages. I feel like they don't have enough life experience to make that choice. I fear they're going to end up extremely unhappy and/or with a broken marriage. But the reason I think that is because I didn't have enough life experience at that age, and if I had married the guy I was dating back then I would have been incredibly unhappy and probably already divorced by now. It doesn't mean that this is also someone else's experience and that that choice will be wrong for them, too. Indeed, I know many happy marriages where the couple married before the age of 22, my sister and parents included. I have to remind myself, You know what, Verity? Maybe this will be great for them. They can make this decision for themselves. You didn't get married at that age, and that was right for you. No one is forcing you to go back and get married at that age to that guy. Their decision is no reflection on you; their experience is not your experience. It's rough. It's a constant reminder. But I hope in the future to get to a point where I can finally never feel threatened by anyone else's personal choice. It doesn't change my beliefs. It doesn't make me less of me, and it doesn't change my choices either. I vow never to pressure anyone into doing anything they may not choose to do. I respect other people's right to choose whatever they want for their own lives and let it go. As the poem Enough by Jeffery Harrison says, "Let it go, let it go, / for this moment at least, let it all go."
The reason I've been thinking about this a lot lately is because this same principal exists on a smaller level. I understand that people mean well when they come up to me on the street and declare that Jesus loves me and I really must go to their church if I don't want to burn for all eternity in Hell, but to me, that kind of behavior is not only annoying, but also inappropriate. Frankly, it's going to make me less likely to go to your church. It's also discrediting anything that I believe in currently. Like, nope, whatever you're doing is wrong; my way is right. I also know that people who ask when someone is getting married or when someone is having another baby or people who explain to everyone they meet how you absolutely must have a baby asap for health reasons are only trying to help. I know that this person only thinks that marriage is great and wants everyone to experience it, or that parenting is so important or that only children are crazy spoiled. They believe that these choices are the right choices to make, and that if you make them too, their lives and choices will be validated. I mean if everyone in the world is making this same choice, it's got to be the right one! It's hard not to remember that the decisions another person makes for his or her life are not a reflection on our decisions as well.
I am not excluded from this issue, of course. It really bothers me when one of my peers gets married and changes her last name to her husband's. To me, it feels like she's giving up her identity to take on his. She's a part of his family now; her last name just goes away because it doesn't matter anymore. That part of her is gone now and no one will ever know her by that name again. Now you will take on a different name and belong to a different family. I won't change my last name. I'll always be an Earl. And that's fine. I don't have to do that; no one is going to make me. But I shouldn't be bothered when other people do. It's not my decision, and really, what does it matter to me? I can still not change my last name. It's their last name; if they really want to change it to Swashbuckle, that's their choice. (I don't actually know anyone named Swashbuckle, but it would be hilarious if I did.) It also bothers me when people get married at very young ages. I feel like they don't have enough life experience to make that choice. I fear they're going to end up extremely unhappy and/or with a broken marriage. But the reason I think that is because I didn't have enough life experience at that age, and if I had married the guy I was dating back then I would have been incredibly unhappy and probably already divorced by now. It doesn't mean that this is also someone else's experience and that that choice will be wrong for them, too. Indeed, I know many happy marriages where the couple married before the age of 22, my sister and parents included. I have to remind myself, You know what, Verity? Maybe this will be great for them. They can make this decision for themselves. You didn't get married at that age, and that was right for you. No one is forcing you to go back and get married at that age to that guy. Their decision is no reflection on you; their experience is not your experience. It's rough. It's a constant reminder. But I hope in the future to get to a point where I can finally never feel threatened by anyone else's personal choice. It doesn't change my beliefs. It doesn't make me less of me, and it doesn't change my choices either. I vow never to pressure anyone into doing anything they may not choose to do. I respect other people's right to choose whatever they want for their own lives and let it go. As the poem Enough by Jeffery Harrison says, "Let it go, let it go, / for this moment at least, let it all go."
Thanks, Verity! I think your honesty here shows how much you care for other people and wish them the best. I have been struggling with this issue, too, and you have helped me begin to let go. It also makes me understand more about other people and their annoying advice to me!
ReplyDeleteThe unfortunate thing in today's society is that even as we grow more diverse and "tolerant" we grow less tolerant of dissenting views. Both sides of any given issue can be accused of the same things and yet, they never realize that. I like what you say about it not being about the individual. Someone once said that if we can convince or talk someone into doing something to go along with what we believe, someone else can come along and convince them otherwise or talk them out of it. Basically, unless what we believe in is arrived at through personal experience and understanding, it really doesn't mean much. So many today just want to be able to add a tally to one side or the other (hello, polls!) that they don't care how they get people on their side.
ReplyDeleteAnd then, people are so all or nothing these days. You are either homophobic or for gay marriage. Republican/democrat. Anti-abortion/pro-choice. And so on. Issues are never that cut and dried. Yet even intelligent people can NOT conceive how someone could disagree with them without being mentally deficient.
We all like validation, but I think we need to be confident enough in our own life choices that people can disagree or agree and it won't change what we do.
Lately, I have decided to attribute all the back and forthing, this side says this, the other says that to static. Something that is just taking up brain space and energy and is taking from me peace and quiet. I am not going to change anyone's opinion by stewing. So why bother? If they want to be an idiot, isn't this a free country? :-)
I agree with your entire post. People get so caught up in their own personal feelings they forget about their are real living, breathing, people that are affected in the eqation. It's not our place to make judgements on how other people live their lives if it is done in a manner that is not hurting other people. Politicians and extremist are so one track minded.I find that there are so many selfish people and attitudes out there. Even the people that constantly complain about the "welfare bums" using "their" tax money to live. . . Money is money; people are priceless!
ReplyDeleteWhether or not I agree with the financial decision of the politicians, if my tax money helps even one little girl or boy have food on the table they would otherwise not have it is worth every penny.