Happy Summer, Friends
I read this article online today, and was intrigued. I know a lot of new (and newish) mothers, who are frequently comparing notes with other mothers and often asking rhetorical questions about how to raise a child correctly. There are a lot of supportive parents around me. I know they're concerned that their kids will grow up well-adjusted. But I was interested, in this article, to see the results of parents who are too supportive. Parents who are so active in their children's lives that they shield them from any kind of hurt or pain or frustration. They don't want to do their homework and they get in trouble about it. No big deal, complain to mom, she'll call the teacher, they'll arrange something for you. Someone is bullying you at school. No big deal, complain to mom, she'll talk to the principle, the principle will talk to other child's parents, or punish the bully directly.
I'm not saying I want my child to be bullied. And I'm certainly not saying that the young moms I know are overprotective. But I'm fascinated by this fine, invisible line that parents have to draw between being supportive and taking over their child's life entirely. I remember in college I went through a really difficult break up. It took me at least a year to fully recover from that terrible hurt and pain. I remember wondering, why on earth I had to go through such a crappy experience. I was (and still am I guess) a big believer in every life experience being a life lesson. But for the life of me I couldn't figure this one out.
A good friend of my mom's gave me Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet for graduation. After reading that book, a year and a half after the break up, it suddenly became clear to me. I'd been doing a lot of spiritual soul-searching during that time and I feel like I had definitely become a lot happier. I'd been able to even myself out and feel normal again. In Gibran's chapter "On Joy and Sorrow," he says, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. ... When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
I realized then, that I had gone through such a terrible experience because I needed to learn how to be happy. I don't think I really knew what it meant to be happy before that, or if I did, I didn't appreciate it, until I knew what it meant to be so very sad. I know it will be really hard, as a parent, to let a child go through a heart-wrenching ordeal. But think of how happy he or she will be when it's all over. Think of how much more they will appreciate life. The good things in life, the love you give to them.
I'm overwhelmed by the love of my family and friends. And I'm so grateful for everything they've given me. Including letting me experience the life lessons I need to experience, even when it's hard to watch me suffer.
I'm not saying I want my child to be bullied. And I'm certainly not saying that the young moms I know are overprotective. But I'm fascinated by this fine, invisible line that parents have to draw between being supportive and taking over their child's life entirely. I remember in college I went through a really difficult break up. It took me at least a year to fully recover from that terrible hurt and pain. I remember wondering, why on earth I had to go through such a crappy experience. I was (and still am I guess) a big believer in every life experience being a life lesson. But for the life of me I couldn't figure this one out.
A good friend of my mom's gave me Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet for graduation. After reading that book, a year and a half after the break up, it suddenly became clear to me. I'd been doing a lot of spiritual soul-searching during that time and I feel like I had definitely become a lot happier. I'd been able to even myself out and feel normal again. In Gibran's chapter "On Joy and Sorrow," he says, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. ... When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
I realized then, that I had gone through such a terrible experience because I needed to learn how to be happy. I don't think I really knew what it meant to be happy before that, or if I did, I didn't appreciate it, until I knew what it meant to be so very sad. I know it will be really hard, as a parent, to let a child go through a heart-wrenching ordeal. But think of how happy he or she will be when it's all over. Think of how much more they will appreciate life. The good things in life, the love you give to them.
I'm overwhelmed by the love of my family and friends. And I'm so grateful for everything they've given me. Including letting me experience the life lessons I need to experience, even when it's hard to watch me suffer.
Whoa! I had read this article because you had posted it on FB, but I just now saw your blog about it. Sometimes you blow my mind. While N was napping, I took a bath and pondered the idea of happiness...yes, I am that snobbery sometimes. I felt like bashing the heads of the angry people I know (that's ironic, right?) and explaining to them that you can't be happy unless you've experienced pain. They think I've never had pain in my life or something. Oh, you're happy because life is so easy for you, yada yada. No, duh, I am happy because I've accepted and overcome the pain. Whew...anyway, I wrote a prose poem about happiness, called "Choose," which I just posted on my blog. It felt too didactic to be submitted anywhere, so I just posted it. Long story short, thanks for this post, and for being eerily similar to me. xo
ReplyDeleteThis is something I strive to avoid. Sometimes I think I verge on being TOO laissez faire I am so anxious to avoid helicoptering their lives. I want them to be problem solvers. I know I can't sheild them from everything, so I want them to be able to handle life. Plus I have that weird mother thing that makes me think, what if I die before they are grown? Yep I am morbid. But they can't depend on me in every situation, even if I am around till I am 100.
ReplyDeleteSomeone once mentioned that there is no word "happy-ful." Because happiness can never fill you. Joy can fill you, peace, delight can all fill you. But no matter how much happiness you have, human nature will always desire more. So to obsessively pursue happiness is pretty much to be doomed to failure.
Interesting point about more people being isolated nowadays, so really depending on kids as friends.
I often think about people who are convinced there is a perfect job, a perfect marriage, a perfect life waiting for them around some mythical corner and if they just pursued things a little harder it would be right there. Very unfortunate people.
In case you couldn't tell, I read the article and commented on it as I went along. :-)
Did you read that article I had awhile ago about creating our own fishbowls? About how choosing to have less choice in our daily life can increase happiness and functionality? Fascinating stuff.
So as not to be all creeper-ly stalker-like (er...nor adverb-ful), I have to say that I am new to the blogging world, and came across your blog via Clover and Bet and Nina's. You may not remember me, but I wanted to say thanks for posting this - you may never know how much the little quote from The Prophet is helping right now, but it was perfect timing for me to read it! Thanks!
ReplyDelete