Things No One Tells You About Your Late 20's
Admittedly, this is probably going to sound really negative. So I've decided to really go all out here and write it in the most negatively way possible.
Recently a few friends of mine and I have been talking about our late twenties, and how 29 had kind of been a rough year for all of us. One friend asked me, "Why doesn't anyone tell you your late 20's suck??" Another friend said that astrologically speaking, every 29 years is a year of transitions. I'm not sure what I think about this, but I can say that there are some things they don't tell you about your late 20's (or they do tell you, you just don't listen) that I've found frustrating.
1. You're going to get fat. Okay, an exaggeration. But maybe when you were young, even a teenager, or until you were, oh, say... 24ish, you could eat whatever you want and never really gain any weight to speak of. In the last 3 years, my weigh has fluctuated about 10 pounds. I gain, I lose, I gain, I lose. I thought at first it was just because of this or that, like I was laid off in 2009, and I gained a bunch of weight because I was basically sitting around the house doing nothing all day. That was pretty rough for me, because I'm a pretty naturally thin person in general, and carrying around the extra weight made me feel lethargic and disgusted with myself. Fortunately, I lost it when I started working again, but in the last year, I think I've gained and lost around 7 pounds at least twice. I can't be sure about this because I weigh myself so infrequently, but I know my body. And when your pants start getting a little tight, it's pretty obvious. Not happy about this. In consequence, I've been forced to recognize that even if my lowest weight in the last few years is my "normal" weight, it's still heavier than I used to be when I was 22. I imagine it always will be, and I'll never weigh that magic number again.
2. You won't have your life together. This one is such a strange phenomenon. In truth, I'm not even sure what "have your life together" means. It appears to be different for everyone, and people my age who, I feel, have done a lot with their lives, don't think they live up to expectations. Now, why do we all feel this way? I expect that it's because the media/other people (perhaps even your parents in some cases) are constantly exalting certain individuals due to their perceived awesomeness. I remember reading an article in Pittsburgh magazine about these different young professionals in Pittsburgh who held ludicrously high positions in various companies for such a young person. There were about 10 of them, and every one was under 26 years old. I can assure you that article did nothing but make my roommates and I (all of whom had jobs and hobbies and relationships at the time) feel like total losers. I will never forgive that magazine editor for that article.
Perhaps another contributing factor is that when you're young, you've got all these plans for your life. You've got big dreams, man, you're really going to make it happen! Travel the world, work for Green Peace, buy and renovate an old house, go out to hip new places with sleekly-fashioned friends every night, and publish many books along the way. And that's fine. Most of us have done some version of that in our early 20's. I traveled a good bit in high school, college, and graduate school. Maybe I didn't do some of the other things I wanted, but I don't feel much loss for them, because I still can do them, even now. But this leads me to the next point.
3. Stuff has totally changed without your previous consent. There's something subtle that's changed now. They don't tell you about that change, how it sneaks up on you before you even notice. It's a job, it's a lease on an apartment, a mobile phone contract, student loan payments, the adorable puppy you just had to take home. Maybe it's even the pregnancy you didn't expect, or the relationship you've been in for several years, an engagement, a wedding to plan. Those things are suddenly here, and they're here to stay. Now moving is a huge undertaking, because you've got a couch and a big bed and table and chairs and a kitchen full of dishes. Going away for a couple weeks is a giant deal because you've got to get someone to take care of the dog and water the plants and make sure to pay the bills before you go. You're stressed out about finances because you're young and lacking in experience and the amount of money you get paid reflects that. You don't go out with your friends as often because you've got someone waiting at home and you see him little enough as is. You didn't even see it coming. But even though you're not 30 yet, and you still feel young, you're no longer carefree.
4. Relationships get immeasurably harder. When you're 22, dang girl, go out and have fun! Yeah! Wooo! Meet some loser at the bar! It doesn't matter. You can always break up with him, or even more likely, chose never to see him again. You don't have to worry. At 29, that's not at all appealing. You've dated all the losers you can take. You want someone with a job and good morals, someone with hobbies and interests (of which preferably cooking and dancing are two). Someone as into you as you are into him. Unfortunately for you, there are an infinite number of losers in the world. Finding someone you love and believe firmly that spending the rest of your life with is a solid plan, is perhaps not as easy as you had hoped. You get serious about stuff. Maybe you want to get married and/or have a family. Maybe you want to buy or build a house and hope to do it with someone. These are big decisions! You can't just have anyone! And even when you do get into a long-term relationship, it doesn't always work out. Sometimes you have different wants and needs, or someone gets bored. Now you're faced with the worst. Now you're 29 and single, and you don't know how to go about meeting people because you've been off the market (so to speak) for a number of years and you don't even know where to begin. The places you met men before are not 30-year-old friendly. The market's smaller now, too. Lots of 30-year-olds are already married or in relationships. Maybe getting into the dating scene is harder in other ways too, like you're broken-hearted and discouraged. Maybe you start hearing that biological clock ticking. Maybe all you can see are all the losers in the world and you get depressed. Dating is suddenly a rough deal.
Now some of us are fortunate enough to have a significant other and don't need to worry about finding someone anymore. I think I can safely say, for myself, that I'm always relieved when I see things like this guy's letter that I do not have to date anymore. However, it doesn't mean that all problems automatically disappear. The words "happily ever after" are largely misleading. As an adult, things come up in relationships that you never expected as a child. They require a whole lot more work than you had originally anticipated. It's not worse. It's not worth giving up every time something comes up. That is not what I'm implying here. Most of the time being in a relationship is really fun and wonderful to have someone to share your life with. It's just different than you thought it was going to be. And most likely harder. By the time you're 29, this is definitely a reality.
5. You realize you don't know how to do half of the stuff your mom does. My mom tells this story about how when she was a teenager (she was married at 19, so younger than that) and she was dating my dad, she used to make him these multi-course meals. She made him Italian, Indian, and French, and she went all out. Appetizers, salads, a few courses, desserts. When she was my age, she had 4 children (including myself as a baby) and Nina on the way. She baked 4 or 5 loaves of bread every week, grew a garden, canned foods and jams, and ran a farm and a house practically by herself. I'll be darned if I know how to run a clothes washer. It's better now, that I am older and have lived on my own for several years. I canned my own jam and I cooked a lot. I helped grow the garden last year with my parents. But I still can't help feeling like my mom was just light years ahead of me in every aspect. Frequently I doubt I'll ever be as accomplished as she is.
So there you go. You've been warned. Though this may seem like a super negative post, it's really not that negative. None of these things are particularly bad things. I mean, would life be worth living if you had accomplished everything you ever wanted by the time you were 25? Certainly having things you still want to do in life is a good thing. Having everything all perfect in place is something that is, most likely, never going to happen. It's better to learn to deal with it now. So maybe I can't eat donuts all day anymore (not that this was ever really my habit), and maybe I don't know as much as my mom does, but it's never good to measure yourself with someone else's yard stick. Be sure to appreciate all the things you've done yourself. Think about where you used to be and where you are now, and take some time to really appreciate your growth. That's important. Don't be hard on yourself. You've worked really hard to get to the place you're at now. Appreciate that effort!
Recently a few friends of mine and I have been talking about our late twenties, and how 29 had kind of been a rough year for all of us. One friend asked me, "Why doesn't anyone tell you your late 20's suck??" Another friend said that astrologically speaking, every 29 years is a year of transitions. I'm not sure what I think about this, but I can say that there are some things they don't tell you about your late 20's (or they do tell you, you just don't listen) that I've found frustrating.
1. You're going to get fat. Okay, an exaggeration. But maybe when you were young, even a teenager, or until you were, oh, say... 24ish, you could eat whatever you want and never really gain any weight to speak of. In the last 3 years, my weigh has fluctuated about 10 pounds. I gain, I lose, I gain, I lose. I thought at first it was just because of this or that, like I was laid off in 2009, and I gained a bunch of weight because I was basically sitting around the house doing nothing all day. That was pretty rough for me, because I'm a pretty naturally thin person in general, and carrying around the extra weight made me feel lethargic and disgusted with myself. Fortunately, I lost it when I started working again, but in the last year, I think I've gained and lost around 7 pounds at least twice. I can't be sure about this because I weigh myself so infrequently, but I know my body. And when your pants start getting a little tight, it's pretty obvious. Not happy about this. In consequence, I've been forced to recognize that even if my lowest weight in the last few years is my "normal" weight, it's still heavier than I used to be when I was 22. I imagine it always will be, and I'll never weigh that magic number again.
2. You won't have your life together. This one is such a strange phenomenon. In truth, I'm not even sure what "have your life together" means. It appears to be different for everyone, and people my age who, I feel, have done a lot with their lives, don't think they live up to expectations. Now, why do we all feel this way? I expect that it's because the media/other people (perhaps even your parents in some cases) are constantly exalting certain individuals due to their perceived awesomeness. I remember reading an article in Pittsburgh magazine about these different young professionals in Pittsburgh who held ludicrously high positions in various companies for such a young person. There were about 10 of them, and every one was under 26 years old. I can assure you that article did nothing but make my roommates and I (all of whom had jobs and hobbies and relationships at the time) feel like total losers. I will never forgive that magazine editor for that article.
Perhaps another contributing factor is that when you're young, you've got all these plans for your life. You've got big dreams, man, you're really going to make it happen! Travel the world, work for Green Peace, buy and renovate an old house, go out to hip new places with sleekly-fashioned friends every night, and publish many books along the way. And that's fine. Most of us have done some version of that in our early 20's. I traveled a good bit in high school, college, and graduate school. Maybe I didn't do some of the other things I wanted, but I don't feel much loss for them, because I still can do them, even now. But this leads me to the next point.
3. Stuff has totally changed without your previous consent. There's something subtle that's changed now. They don't tell you about that change, how it sneaks up on you before you even notice. It's a job, it's a lease on an apartment, a mobile phone contract, student loan payments, the adorable puppy you just had to take home. Maybe it's even the pregnancy you didn't expect, or the relationship you've been in for several years, an engagement, a wedding to plan. Those things are suddenly here, and they're here to stay. Now moving is a huge undertaking, because you've got a couch and a big bed and table and chairs and a kitchen full of dishes. Going away for a couple weeks is a giant deal because you've got to get someone to take care of the dog and water the plants and make sure to pay the bills before you go. You're stressed out about finances because you're young and lacking in experience and the amount of money you get paid reflects that. You don't go out with your friends as often because you've got someone waiting at home and you see him little enough as is. You didn't even see it coming. But even though you're not 30 yet, and you still feel young, you're no longer carefree.
4. Relationships get immeasurably harder. When you're 22, dang girl, go out and have fun! Yeah! Wooo! Meet some loser at the bar! It doesn't matter. You can always break up with him, or even more likely, chose never to see him again. You don't have to worry. At 29, that's not at all appealing. You've dated all the losers you can take. You want someone with a job and good morals, someone with hobbies and interests (of which preferably cooking and dancing are two). Someone as into you as you are into him. Unfortunately for you, there are an infinite number of losers in the world. Finding someone you love and believe firmly that spending the rest of your life with is a solid plan, is perhaps not as easy as you had hoped. You get serious about stuff. Maybe you want to get married and/or have a family. Maybe you want to buy or build a house and hope to do it with someone. These are big decisions! You can't just have anyone! And even when you do get into a long-term relationship, it doesn't always work out. Sometimes you have different wants and needs, or someone gets bored. Now you're faced with the worst. Now you're 29 and single, and you don't know how to go about meeting people because you've been off the market (so to speak) for a number of years and you don't even know where to begin. The places you met men before are not 30-year-old friendly. The market's smaller now, too. Lots of 30-year-olds are already married or in relationships. Maybe getting into the dating scene is harder in other ways too, like you're broken-hearted and discouraged. Maybe you start hearing that biological clock ticking. Maybe all you can see are all the losers in the world and you get depressed. Dating is suddenly a rough deal.
Now some of us are fortunate enough to have a significant other and don't need to worry about finding someone anymore. I think I can safely say, for myself, that I'm always relieved when I see things like this guy's letter that I do not have to date anymore. However, it doesn't mean that all problems automatically disappear. The words "happily ever after" are largely misleading. As an adult, things come up in relationships that you never expected as a child. They require a whole lot more work than you had originally anticipated. It's not worse. It's not worth giving up every time something comes up. That is not what I'm implying here. Most of the time being in a relationship is really fun and wonderful to have someone to share your life with. It's just different than you thought it was going to be. And most likely harder. By the time you're 29, this is definitely a reality.
5. You realize you don't know how to do half of the stuff your mom does. My mom tells this story about how when she was a teenager (she was married at 19, so younger than that) and she was dating my dad, she used to make him these multi-course meals. She made him Italian, Indian, and French, and she went all out. Appetizers, salads, a few courses, desserts. When she was my age, she had 4 children (including myself as a baby) and Nina on the way. She baked 4 or 5 loaves of bread every week, grew a garden, canned foods and jams, and ran a farm and a house practically by herself. I'll be darned if I know how to run a clothes washer. It's better now, that I am older and have lived on my own for several years. I canned my own jam and I cooked a lot. I helped grow the garden last year with my parents. But I still can't help feeling like my mom was just light years ahead of me in every aspect. Frequently I doubt I'll ever be as accomplished as she is.
So there you go. You've been warned. Though this may seem like a super negative post, it's really not that negative. None of these things are particularly bad things. I mean, would life be worth living if you had accomplished everything you ever wanted by the time you were 25? Certainly having things you still want to do in life is a good thing. Having everything all perfect in place is something that is, most likely, never going to happen. It's better to learn to deal with it now. So maybe I can't eat donuts all day anymore (not that this was ever really my habit), and maybe I don't know as much as my mom does, but it's never good to measure yourself with someone else's yard stick. Be sure to appreciate all the things you've done yourself. Think about where you used to be and where you are now, and take some time to really appreciate your growth. That's important. Don't be hard on yourself. You've worked really hard to get to the place you're at now. Appreciate that effort!
It was really interesting to read your perspective. As far as the first few go, I have to say that it was not until I was in my late 20s that I actually began to feel like I belonged - mind, body and soul. The older I get, the better I feel.
ReplyDeleteAgreed! The older I get, the better I feel, too. More confidence, more joy, more everything. I look at women in their 50s, 60s, and 70s, and how happy they are, how wise. I think the future holds some wondrous things!
DeleteI like the ending. :-) I was just thinking those things when I read them. You are a different person than your mother. You led a very different life growing up and were encouraged to go to college and live a little before you settled down. If you had been married for 10 years already, you probably would know how to do some/most of those things too.
ReplyDeleteI guess I am a bit like Liz, feel more secure and confident as I get older. I am actually pretty content with life. Besides the wishing I could lose weight, wishing we weren't in debt. But those things seem such commonplace complaints, that I can't really get worked up about them and think life has gypped me. I never was a normally thin person, so extra weight is just a normal thing to me. I never was a very organized person, so I don't think I ever thought I would have it together. I think I did think that I would have a perfect life. But why not think life will be perfection while you can--before reality rears its ugly head and you realize a perfect life is more what you make of circumstances and less of situation. #3 Hits pretty close to home. Justin and I were talking on the way home from meeting the other day about how lazy we have gotten. We just don't put the energies into what we used to love (hobbies) like we did a few years ago. And that is largely, I think, to do with having kids. We just don't have as much extraneous energy to spend on hobbies. But again, I am okay with that. I think it is a good trade-off. But I know I have also turned it into an excuse for doing nothing, which is a bad choice on my part. #4 is a bit different for me, since I haven't been in the dating world for quite some time. But I totally get what you are saying. What was cute or a joke in guy at 22 is really unattractive at 29 and you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with him. And we have already discussed #5.
I didn't think this was particularly negative. Realistic, which is not as pleasant as putting a delicate haze around reality, which is what is generally done in polite society, but not negative.
And there is my mini blog post in response to your blog post. :-)
I'm w/ you on this one, Ver. I don't know if it was our upbringing or our cocky self-assurance, but I 100% thought life would be incredibly smooth w/ a completely surmountable hiccup here and there. I think the year or 2 after college was the hardest for me, a real harsh wake up call. You mean I just spent $200k on a degree that literally worth nothing in today's job market?? You mean the person I'm in love w/ is actually a real douchebag?? You mean I have to move back in w/ my parents?? You mean I can't get a job that pays more than minimum wage?? I think those years were the roughest.
DeleteYou can maintain your adolescent dreams through college, but eventually you're going to have a rude awakening and you're going to be depressed for a bit and then what. Then you adjust and buckle down and become a person who can be flexible and who can be realistic and who can survive a massive disappointment w/o having a breakdown. I in no way wish to repeat the massive disappointment period, but I do see the benefits of experiencing that. In the long run, we're more mature, more realistic, more self-aware. That's what's needed in a healthy life, so while I'm still in the throes of my tumultuous late 20s, I'm beginning to see the light. I know this is for the best and that b/c of this unfortunate time, I'm ready for the future.
Great blog, sister!
Wow! I love love LOVE this post!! I too am TOTALLY with you on this! I thought you put into words SO well what I, and my friends, and I'm sure MANY other people have thought on several occasions, but never knew how to express.
DeleteFor me, it's of course a bit different. Since I've HAD ups and downs (mentally AND in reality) all my life, I was, to an extent prepared for hardship. However, having a persistent, negative and self defeating view of everything was not getting me off to a good start in my very early adulthood. Strangely however, it was actually IN my early and mid twenties that I REALLY stepped up to the plate to take responsibility for my life. However, where I can relate HERE, is in the fact that my goals were FAR too lofty and my inexperience led me to the idealistic belief that things were a certain way, when in fact, they weren't.
In my early-late twenties, after all of the soul searching and character building and hard work on myself, I felt fantastic. I had gained confidence. But I knew from experience not to make assumptions about anything.
Fast forward to my LATE twenties ... where I am NOW. Now is the stage that I'm starting to realize, "You know what? This isn't necessarily gonna get easier. Once one mountain is moved, there's gonna be another one." It's the stage of realizing that hard work does not usually equate with perfect results, or even happiness. I have felt EVERY part of your post as my own from time to time. But in the end, I LOVED what you said about not being hard on yourself. I think this was a FANTASTIC piece of writing filled with rarely spoken about truths. I'm going to share, and I'm going to read it to myself when I forget why I bother. Thank you!
I have been looking forward to reading this all day - my dashboard gave me a teaser of the first few sentences and then refused to reveal the rest!
ReplyDeleteSO worth the wait!
All I can say is that this is actually inspiring - to know someone (plus all of the commenters) feels the same way!
AMEN SISTER! :-P
Ugh. You know how I feel about this. Ba. Hum. Bug. I think a lot of the late-20 issues stem from these expectations we had as teenagers/young 20-year-olds that we'd be established when we hit 30. Well, you know what? I'm pretty sure being "established" belongs on that commercial with leprechauns and unicorns. It's totally. made. up! I think it's time to make new expectations :)
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of truth to this, but there's no reason to get depressed. As someone on the other side of thirty, I can honestly say Good riddance, twenties! Thirties rock! I think you come to realize that all those expectations don't matter anymore. Life is for living!
ReplyDelete