I haven't written in a long time.
Hi everyone. I hope you're all well! Happy 2013! I hope we all celebrated appropriately. :-)
I had all these pictures I wanted to post and almost did something about it before the holidays snuck up on me, but then Google decided they wanted me to pay for storage now, and I said, forget you, Google. So no pictures. Sadness.
On some more mundane notes, my 30 for 30 is going very poorly. I have to get on the ball! I've only got the better part of 3 months to finish about half of them. Yikes! But hey, I can do it. I can.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the last one on my list, about being kinder to myself. Lately I have not been so kind to myself. I don't know why where the transition is in here, but I guess this brings to mind my obsessive need to be alone. I've mentioned this in the last post. I'm not sure why I've been thinking about it so much; I just have. I feel like I need to reconcile these two overwhelming desires somehow: the one to be alone and the one not to be alone. They're constantly warring in my head and my heart.
I recently read The Country Wife, by Dana Gioli, and I really can't stop thinking about it and rereading it. I feel like this wife, though I am not a wife or a mother, and my responsibilities are not as overwhelming or exhausting as hers might be. But I know what it means to seek solitude every day, especially at night. (I'm definitely a night person.) So I started reading some poems about loneliness, and I came across this one. I thought it would be a nice contrast to the somber tone of this post! If you are not familiar with William Carlos Williams, I recommend you become so.
I had all these pictures I wanted to post and almost did something about it before the holidays snuck up on me, but then Google decided they wanted me to pay for storage now, and I said, forget you, Google. So no pictures. Sadness.
On some more mundane notes, my 30 for 30 is going very poorly. I have to get on the ball! I've only got the better part of 3 months to finish about half of them. Yikes! But hey, I can do it. I can.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the last one on my list, about being kinder to myself. Lately I have not been so kind to myself. I don't know why where the transition is in here, but I guess this brings to mind my obsessive need to be alone. I've mentioned this in the last post. I'm not sure why I've been thinking about it so much; I just have. I feel like I need to reconcile these two overwhelming desires somehow: the one to be alone and the one not to be alone. They're constantly warring in my head and my heart.
I recently read The Country Wife, by Dana Gioli, and I really can't stop thinking about it and rereading it. I feel like this wife, though I am not a wife or a mother, and my responsibilities are not as overwhelming or exhausting as hers might be. But I know what it means to seek solitude every day, especially at night. (I'm definitely a night person.) So I started reading some poems about loneliness, and I came across this one. I thought it would be a nice contrast to the somber tone of this post! If you are not familiar with William Carlos Williams, I recommend you become so.
Danse Russe | ||
| by William Carlos Williams | ||
If when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame-white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees,-
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"I am lonely, lonely,
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"
If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades,-
Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?
| ||
Have you read A Loner's Manifesto? People who are not loners DO NOT understand those of us who are. They think we're depressed or maybe even disturbed. Yet I can't understand the people who always want to be around other people. Or want to be around other people half the time. I'm okay seeing my friends for a couple of hours a week. I don't think I'll ever (if I can swing it) work outside of my home again. If I didn't have a couple of hours a day without Kevyn and Niko here, I would go berserk. Even some nights, despite how much I adore Kevyn, I spend reading or watching TV on my computer, occasionally going over to kiss him on the cheek. I never feel like I've had enough alone time. It's a weird feeling, wanting to spend time with the ones you love but also wanting more time to just be by yourself. I struggle with feelings of guiltiness sometimes, but I think I've been doing a pretty good job at being more selfish lately, which is important. Anyway, is this my blog? I'm certainly acting like it is!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the poem!
p.s. This is the reason I stayed up until 1 the other night (to be alone), which totally bit me in the butt. Niko was up at 4. By I had so much fun by myself!
DeleteI would like to say that being comfortable alone shows a certain amount of confidence and self-love. Lots of sociable people have these qualities, of course, but lots of them don't, as well. You don't need other people to distract you from yourself or validate yourself. So, you rock, you know.
DeleteIf you register an account with Flickr, you can bypass the blogger storage issue. It's easy. I had to do this, too.
ReplyDeleteBtw, the older I get the more I just want to be left alone. I don't get those people who thrive in party or crowd situations.
I was just saying this to my mom the other day - that I wished I had more alone and quiet time just to think about life instead of it whooshing by without me hardly comprehending it...
ReplyDelete