Why Women Love Mr. Darcy

Last night, Nina and I rewatched North and South, which is a kind of retelling of Pride and Prejudice, and a four-part mini-series available on Netflix streaming. Nina's seen it about 4 or 5 times, but it was my second time watching. It's a very loosely translated retelling. It's not extremely similar, but the male character, Mr. Thornton, is fairly Darcy-like, and a huge crush of Nina's. The female character, Miss Hale, is terrible, as these women often are. Stupid and pigheaded and rude. She often stares into space like an idiot without a thought in her head. Not a fan. And she's not at all like Elizabeth Bennett. I don't know what the deal is, but so many lead female characters in books are just the biggest idiots/pansies/jerks ever. I guess authors think that to portray a "strong" woman, she has to either a) have a bizarrely and sporadically terrible temper, or b) put herself in continuous danger by acting irrationally (so the male can therefore save her, of course) or c) be just downright rude. It needs to stop.

But I've been thinking about this Darcy obsession lately. I often wonder about it. It's been nearly 200 years and women are still in love with him. He's been copied and copied again by hundreds of authors, and I don't know that I've ever read a story featuring a new Darcy who actually compared to the real one. (I'm a Darcy-lover myself, of course.) And as fascinated as I am by psychology and the reasons behind attraction, I decided to dedicate a blog post to an examination of this phenomenon.

1. He's irresistibly attracted to her. Darcy's first proposal to Elizabeth Bennett involves him proposing to her in the least romantic way possible: by insulting her, her situation, and her family. Yet, despite all this, he still is clearly and madly in love with her. So there you have it; irresistible attraction. We all want that from a man. Who wouldn't want a guy who was so crazy about her that he just had to propose to her, despite all inner struggle? She rejects him, because he was being crazy rude, and explains her reasons why. He goes on his way, hurt by her words. But hey, he heard them.

2. He's rich. Come on, now. Don't try to deny it. This is an attractive trait in a possible suitor. It may seem shallow, and admittedly, it is shallow, if that's all you're after. But if your possible suitor is a good person and can provide for you, that's a really nice thing, security. A home and income to provide for your family are important. Mr. Darcy is super rich. Like, the richest ever. And he doesn't care that Miss Bennett is far beneath him. I mean he does, but then he doesn't.

3. He protects her family. Everyone's got a crazy family, right? I mean, at least one or two of your family members are difficult. But hey, they're family, and you love them anyway. In Elizabeth Bennett's case, she's got a whole family of annoying people. Elizabeth's youngest sister runs off and is hiding away with some dude while still unmarried. This is a serious no-no, and their entire family is on the brink of social ruin if someone doesn't find them and force them to get married. Even if people had found out they'd run off together and published it in the papers (as they were wont to do back then), it would be a serious blow. No one would want to marry any of the other girls because of their tainted family reputation. Fortunately, they keep the ordeal under wraps well enough, their "uncle" has found Lydia and her lover, paid off all the debts the scoundrel Mr. Wickham had incurred (and they were many), and made them marry. It is later revealed that it's actually Darcy who has snuck off and done all these things on his own, making everyone involved promise not to tell anyone else (read: Elizabeth) that it was him. How awesome is that? Not only is her whole family's reputation saved, but he did it in secret, without pomp and circumstance, without show. He didn't do it for the credit. He did it for Elizabeth, and Elizabeth alone. What a sweet way of showing one's undying affection! Even though any rich English gentlemen would easily turn up his nose at this situation, Mr. Darcy cares about Elizabeth so much that he's willing to go out of his way and pay a great deal of money to save her family a terrible embarrassment. Now that's love. As an added bonus, he encourages his best friend to propose to Elizabeth's older sister Jane, a circumstance that has not happened because of Mr. Darcy's previous disapproval, therefore securing the happiness of a "most beloved sister." Again, also for Elizabeth.

4. He changes. I've saved this one for last because I think it's the most important. Mr. Darcy changes for Elizabeth. At the beginning, he is (as is she) prideful and condescending towards her. He makes rude comments about Elizabeth's looks, flat out refuses to dance with her at a ball, separates his best pal from her older sister, and is generally an all-around snobby sort of fellow. The first proposal is just downright awful. He's like, "I don't like you at all, your family sucks, you're really poor, and I don't much care for this lame town you live in, but please, marry me!" I mean, seriously. Who on earth would jump on that offer? But after she accuses him of being awful, he defends himself. It seems that we're mistaken on a few different points, that there are sides to the story that we didn't originally think possible, and we realize that he's actually not the worst person on the planet. Which is good, and a step in the right direction. Elizabeth feels ashamed of herself, having believed gossip about him and not bothering to find out the real facts. But Mr. Darcy's affection doesn't stop. He goes on to make amends with Elizabeth by reaching out to her family, and being kind and civil to both her and all her relatives whenver possible. Her words shamed him, too. He realizes he's been proud and terrible, and he tries to change it. When he saves her family from ruin, and helps to undo the damage he's done with Jane and Mr. Bingley, she can finally appreciate how much he's tried. How really kind and good he is. Too many women stay in relationships or even enter into marriages banking on the possibility that their partner will change. It almost never happens. We want to be with someone who grows, transforms, even. Someone who hears our criticisms, and wants to change to improve the relationship. That's what every woman really wants. Someone who loves her so much that she makes him want to be a better person, for her. Someone who becomes a better person, in return for her love.

The beauty of this story is that Elizabeth also changes for him. She understands that she's been mistaken, too, on several different accounts, and that they're actually very similar. She learns how to be more forgiving and compassionate, and how to be less proud and judgmental. It's really a beautiful love story. So for any of you guys out there, I want you to take a lesson from Darcy's book. The way to a woman's heart and a healthy relationship is this: affection, security, kindness, compassion, and the ability to hear what your partner needs and change accordingly.

And girls, please remember to return the favor.